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Little Lotte

May 17, 2010 Leave a comment

Having just finished some major house shopping and furniture assembling, all after another day of wracking my very tired brain against a continuing issue at work and staring at Javascript and PHP, I have no capacity to write much coherently.  But I did want to post this, one of the many favorite scenes I have of Phantom of the Opera (which I’ve seen on Broadway a magnificent three times so far).  It’s audio only, which is fine for me; I love reliving this scene in my mind, seeing the Phantom appear like a ghost in Christine’s mirror and completely enchanting her…seeing the way he controlled her.

Ever since I first saw this musical, I have been in love with the Phantom.  I love the compelling, dark, and twisted character that is the Phantom.  I love the spell he casts on stage and on Christine Daaé.  No surprises there, I suppose!  This brings to mind a cascade of other childhood memories I’ve been having lately, all little signs and epiphanies on what, very early on, hinted at my awakening kinky interests.  I should write about some of those memories sometime.

But now: to sleep!

Raoul:
Little Lotte, let her mind wonder. Little Lotte thought, “Am I fonder of dolls or of goblins or of shoes?”

Christine:
Raoul.

Raoul:
Or of riddles or frogs?

Christine:
Those picnics in the attic.

Raoul:
Or of chocolates.

Christine:
Father playing the violin

Raoul:
As we read to each other, dark stories of the north

Christine:
No, “What I loved best,” Lotte Said, “was when I was asleep in my bed.”
And the angel of music sings songs in my head

Christine and Raoul:
The angel of music sings songs in my head.

Raoul:
You sang like an angel tonight.

Christine:
Father said “When I am in heaven, Child, I will send the angel of music to you.” Well, father is dead, Raoul. And I have been visited by the angel of music.

Raoul:
Oh, no doubt of it. And now, we go to dinner.

Christine:
No, Raoul, the angel of music is very strict.

Raoul:
Well I shant keep you up late. (Laughs)

Christine:
Raoul, No.

Raoul:
You must change. I’ll order my carriage. Two minutes, Little Lotte.

Christine:
No, Raoul, wait!

Phantom:
Insolent boy/this slave of fashion/basking in your glory/Ignorant fool/this brave young suitor, sharing in my triumph!

Christine:
Angel, I hear, you/Speak, I listen/Stay by my side, guide me/Angel, my soul was weak/forgive me/Enter at last, master.

Phantom:
Flattering child, you shall know me/See why in shadow I hide/Look at your face in the mirror/I am there inside

Christine:
Angel of music/guide and guardian/grant to me your glory/angel of music/hide no longer/come to me, strange angel.

Phantom:
I am your angel of music/come to me, angel of music.

Raoul:
Whose is that voice? Who is that in there?

Phantom:
I am your angel of music

Raoul:
Christine! Christine!

Phantom:
Come to me, angel of music

Categories: life, lyrics, video

Having a Coke with You

November 23, 2009 Leave a comment

“Having a Coke with you”

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluoresent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them
I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse
it seems they were all cheated of some marvellous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

Frank O’Hara

Categories: links, lyrics, video

pulse

July 19, 2007 2 comments

Well…

Been awhile. What’s there to say? Been there and back again, and I’m still here. For now.

Yes, for now, here is my latest obsession:

Hey there Delilah
What’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can’t shine as bright as you
I swear it’s true

Hey there Delilah
Don’t you worry about the distance
I’m right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it’s my disguise
I’m by your side

Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I’ll pay the bills with this guitar
We’ll have it good
We’ll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I’ve got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I’d write it all
Even more in love with me you’d fall
We’d have it all

Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars
I’d walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we’ll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you’re to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don’t you miss me
Two more years and you’ll be done with school
And I’ll be making history like I do
You’ll know it’s all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here’s to you
This one’s for you

Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
What you do to me

-Plain White T’s

a cover:

Categories: ethereal, lyrics

breakaway

November 22, 2006 Leave a comment

I drove home last night in a daze. For the short period I was driving, in any case. A resident was bumming a ride south to a nearby city, so in return he got to drive most of the time. Which was ideal, given my lack of sleep in the last…3 or 4 days. It passed quickly, our little road trip. We found much in common, and he proved to be a great conversationalist.

I’m going to miss my residents terribly after this term. They are wonderful, amazing, talented people, with incredibly bright futures.

But back to the drive home. I recognized all the roads easily, saw the familiar landscapes and buildings. But I realized, as I entered the town of my childhood, that the environment no longer resonated as home. I really have completely flown the nest, and while I am not saddened by this, as some are, there is still a tinge of…nostalgia? fondness? I’m not sure.

Still, it is nice to be back in my house. Besides the warm greetings and my mom’s subsequent fluttering about the kitchen warming food and soup and gossiping away, I got to see the finally finished basement, which looks beautiful. After so much strife and drama over its construction, it was nice to see that it was worth it in the end.

And this afternoon when I finally woke, I also rediscovered the joys I find in service to another; one whose appreciation is therapeutic, needs are simple, and warmth is sustaining. I rediscovered the peace one finds in the purr of a cat.

I’ve missed her so much. I did not want to leave the bed with her pressed inside the curve of my stomach, this tiny warm bundle of a cat. I stroked, scratched, smoothed, felt her velvety ears, and I had to keep from crying.

The purr of a cat. It has become my healing balm.

[edit]:

I would swallow my pride
I would choke on the rhines
But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside
I would swallow my doubt
turn it inside out find nothing but faith in nothing
Want to put my tender heart in a blender
Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion
Rendezvous then I’m through with you

I burn burn like a wicker cabinet
chalk white and oh so frail
I see our time has gotten stale

The tick tock of the clock is painful
All sane and logical
I want to tear it off the wall

I hear words and clips
and phrases I think sick like ginger ale
My stomach turns and I exhale

I would swallow my pride
I would choke on the rhines
But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside
I would swallow my doubt
turn it inside out find nothing but faith in nothing
Want to put my tender heart in a blender
Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion
Rendezvous then I’m through with you

So Cal is where my mind states
but it’s not my state of mind
I’m not as ugly sad as you
Or am I origami
folded up and just pretend
demented as the motives in your head

I would swallow my pride
I would choke on the rhines
But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside
I would swallow my doubt
turn it inside out find nothing but faith in nothing
Want to put my tender heart in a blender
Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion
Rendezvous then I’m through with you

I alone am the one you don’t know you
need me take heed feed your ego
Make me blind when your eyes close sink when you get close tie me to the bedpost
I alone am the one you don’t know you
need me take heed feed your ego
Make me blind when your eyes close sink when you get close tie me to the bedpost

–“Inside Out” – Eve 6

Categories: hope, links, love, lyrics, sundry, writing

In an emo state of mind

November 11, 2006 Leave a comment

And I’d give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive

And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

— “Iris” – Goo Goo Dolls

Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
And they may not want it to end
But it will, it’s just a question of when
I’ve lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned
But that won’t happen to us
Because it’s always been a matter of trust

I know you’re an emotional girl
It took a lot for you to not lose your faith in this world
I can’t offer you proof
But you’re gonna face a moment of truth
It’s hard when you’re always afraid
You just recover when another belief is betrayed
So break my heart if you must
It’s a matter of trust

You can’t go the distance
With too much resistance
I know you have doubts
But for God’s sake don’t shut me out

This time you’ve got nothing to lose
You can take it, you can leave it
Whatever you choose
I won’t hold back anything
And I’ll walk away a fool or a king
Some love is just a lie of the mind
It’s make believe until it’s only a matter of time
And some might have learned to adjust
But then it never was a matter of trust

I’m sure you’re aware love
We’ve both had our share of
Believing too long
When the whole situation was wrong

Some love is just a lie of the soul
A constant battle for the ultimate state of control
After you’ve heard lie upon lie
There can hardly be a question of why
Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
But that can’t happen to us
Because it’s always been a matter of trust

— “A Matter Of Trust” – Billy Joel

Fair

August 19, 2006 Leave a comment

Reading period for finals is about to begin… and I have no energy to deal with classes right now.

Hey, are you lonely?
Has summer gone so slowly?
We found the ground
And that damage was done
It’s cold as you fade into the sun
Where’d you go? To me?

But you’re alive!
Well, it’s only
Fallen frames, they told me
You stand out, it’s so loud
And so what if it is?
It’s cold as you face into the wind
Where’d it go to?
Tonight the sun shall see its light

So what if you catch me,
Where would we land?
In somebody’s life
For taking his hands
Sing to me hope as she’s
Thrown on the sand
All of our work
Is raided again
Where to go?

And you were so loud
The rain this thing could allow
We tried but it’s all wrong
You’re so strong
And this life and work
And choice took far too long
Where’d it go?
Tonight the sun shall see its light

So what if you catch me,
Where would we land?
In somebody’s life
For taking his hands
Sing to me hope as she’s
Thrown on the sand
All of our work
Is raided again

When I was sure you’d follow through
My world was turned to blue so thin
When you’d hide your songs would die
So I’d hide yours with mine
And all my words were bound to fail
I know you won’t fail
See, I can tell

“Fair” – Remy Zero

Categories: lyrics, school

no bridges were burned in the making of this post

August 12, 2006 Leave a comment

I’m still dazed. It’s amazing what an hour – not even – out in this weather will do to you. There are sunspots in my eyelids and fast-fading grass tattoos on my arms. I sat outside, attempting to decipher Freud, with the company of my iPod, a half-pint of soursweet blueberries, and a small single-serve packet of Cabot cheese. Yes, I was also pleasantly surprised that the tangy blueberries were so well complemented by the thick full taste of the cheddar. I sucked on them both, adding more of one when the other began overwhelming my mouth and tongue. I skimmed half-heartedly over musty words on dream analysis and patient stories.

As the bag thinned of berries and shade began licking at my lap from the canopy overhead, I gave up on Freud and eyed the sunlit grass eagerly. The breeze tugged urgently at my skirt, and I wondered at the nostalgic power of wind. The movement of air, carrying memories and scents in its wake. I freed my feet of sandals and spread lustfully onto the lawn, stretching inactive muscles and basking in the warmth of the sun. Tucking my skirt stragetically between my legs, I lay half-curled, half-awake, letting the sun re-energize me and the breeze comfort me.

Time passed in the movement of the clouds. Halfway through a music track that I’ve already forgotten, the sun became tucked behind an unforgivably large cloud, and I rose unsteadily to my feet, shivering. How transient, warmth! But the energy that had collected under the veins of my skin surged, and I danced back into my sandals. Picking up the forgotten Freud and devouring the remaining few blueberries, I blinked away the sun from my eyes and headed back inwards. To the hazy fluorescence and closeness of my dorm. No clouds here. No passage of time.

But the nostalgic power of the wind remains, as if I breathed too much in, and it is swirling in the pit of my stomach. There are tears there, and heavy sighs. My mouth is the only stopper to the whirlwind, and it stays shut, for now. Already I am hungry again for the sunlight and the urgency of the breeze.

Hurry, hurry, hurry. Tugging memories from deep inside, from something so primal and raw that I have no control over it. Quickly. The deep-seated emotions are drawn out from a past I don’t remember, and the destination seems to be somewhere in the unimaginable, unspeakable future. A point of merging hopes, fears, dreams, and unknowns.

This song has always haunted me. Perhaps there is something to all this abstract babbling, that this song should play at this moment. O, prophetic iPod…

Phantom:
Past the point of no return
No backward glances
Our games of make-believe are at an end.

Past all thought of “if” or “when”
No use resisting
Abandon thought and let the dream descend

What raging FIRE shall flood the soul
What rich desire unlocks its door
What sweet seduction lies before us?

Past the point of no return
The final threshold;
What warm unspoken secrets
Will we learn
beyond the point of no return?

Christine:
You have brought me
To that moment when words run dry
To that moment when speech disappears
Into silence
Silence.

I have come here,
Hardly knowing the reason why
In my mind I’ve already imagined
Our bodies entwining
Defenseless and silent,
Now I am here with you
No second thoughts
I’ve decided
Decided.

Past the point of no return
No going back now
Our passion-play has now at last begun.

Past all thought of right or wrong
One final question:
How long should we two wait before we’re one?

When will the blood begin to race
The sleeping bud burst into bloom
When will the flames at last consume us?

Both:
Past the point of no return
The final threshold
The bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn
We’ve passed the point of no return.

Phantom:
Say you’ll share with me
One love, one lifetime
Lead me, save me from my solitude

Say you want me
With you here , beside you
Anywhere you go let me go too
Christine that’s all I ask of…

Categories: life, love, lyrics