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Collected Words of a Taiwanese Mother

December 1, 2012 1 comment

[roughly translated from Chinese]

“Guys need to be more romantic, more proactive, in order to keep a girl interested in him. He needs to woo her.”

“I’ve noticed that very intelligent people tend to end up divorcing more frequently.”

“When a girl goes and beds with a man, all his male friends know she’s off limits because she belongs to him. But once they part – because easy girls never last long in a relationship – no guy will touch that girl.”

“I was going to introduce you to a nice Taiwanese boy, but then he got leukemia.”

“Never use your real birth date and social security number when registering an account online. I use your father’s birthday on LinkedIn.”

“Be careful what pictures you post on the internet. What if a sex offender sees it? It’s so easy these days to access your real name, location, and date of birth. He’d find you so easily!”

(After being told a funny story about my housemate’s mother asking when I decided I was gay) “Did you tell her you are REALLY straight?”

“Don’t think you’re too old for me to hit you.”

“Hey, I’ve never seen [your brother] cry. Let’s see what it takes to make him cry!”

“If [your brother] goes for his Masters or PhD after college, you’ll be the one person with the lowest degree of education in our family.”

“Oh, California’s sales tax increase will be good for the state. Even the Mexicans will have to pay their fair share.”

(After hearing me talk about how much I like my apartment in San Francisco) “Yeah. It’s just too bad you live in such a densely Hispanic neighborhood.”

“Are there a lot of Russians in San Francisco?”

(After I tell her about the friend who made my necklace) “Oh! Is she Taiwanese?”

“If someone said something bad about me, you wouldn’t stand for that, right? It’s a natural, familial instinct.”

“Guess what my pant size is now. Just guess!”

“Are you really that much skinnier? Everyone at Thanksgiving dinner kept commenting on how skinny you are!”

“How much do you weigh?”

“You could try my diet plan, too!”

“Have you noticed if eating so much Mexican food has made you stinkier?”

“Are either of your housemates fat? You should tell them about my weight loss method. It could really change their life!”

“If I lose another 10 pounds, your father will definitely want me to go back to Taiwan to live with him.”

“Your father made a lot of promises to me. He’s never kept a single one.”

“You’re a lot like your father.”

“There is something very, very wrong with you.”

“There was this show in Taiwan about male children being kidnapped and sold off as cucumbines[sic], being treated like girls and raped repeatedly until they turn into, like, a gay mentality, you know? And one of the actors apparently was gay, and ended up committing suicide.”

“Why are you still freelancing? Don’t you want to do something with your life?”

Categories: humor, life