Home > polyamory, reflection > learning about self-care

learning about self-care

October 19, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

As much as I love reflecting – in long blog posts – on the bumps that I’ve hit while navigating my first poly relationship, sometimes it is simply my insistence, stubbornness, on solving everything myself and never seeking outside help that exacerbates things.  I’ve had a hard time coming to terms with the concept of inviting another person into my head and to the table to help process my feelings.

Communication in this arena has thus been halting at best as I find ways to fight that blockage.  Emails and blog entries allow me to reflect more carefully and make sure I get my thoughts out as clearly as I can, though admittedly physical and phone conversations have the benefit of immediate feedback and vocal support.  I am not prone to blurting out what I’m feeling right away, and it often takes quite a few days of sorting through my feelings to even talk about them coherently.

The balance I have been fighting to achieve is how long to wait, in the time I am taking to figuring out how okay or not okay I am with some occurrence, before I mention anything.

Because, of course, while I am trying to be more open about my feelings, I also recognize that it’s not practical or realistic to always mention when I’m not feeling good about something.  Sometimes it is about self-care and distracting myself until some brief episode of jealousy passes.

This leads me to wonder: what are some of the ways poly people employ self-care to get through those periods?  Would anyone care to share?

Categories: polyamory, reflection
  1. Russell Borogove
    October 19, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    This is something I’m really struggling with myself at the moment. Somewhere along the line I got the idea that it wasn’t okay for me to impose my problems on my partner, and I bent myself into an emotional pretzel to avoid doing so. I also overthink what I want to say and how best to present it, to the point where I miss my opportunities to actually start the conversation.

    If you have a partner who is willing to help work through your half-finished thought process – neither insisting that you have an answer immediately nor jumping ahead to push their own solution on you, then I encourage just going ahead and saying “hey, I just want to let you know, I’m feeling this thing and I’m still trying to process it.” There may not be any point in rehearsing the conversation past that point – your partner may well surprise you.

  2. October 20, 2010 at 11:54 am

    This post struck so many chords with me, it’s eerie. I don’t have any answers for you, except that if we want something badly enough, we just have to keep trying.

  3. October 20, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    Russell – Emotional pretzel is a very apt description. Nonsensical yet with its own twisted logic. And it’s amazing how difficult it is to just say that phrase “I’m feeling this thing and I’m still trying to process it” – and I’m alone in my room! Practice, practice…

    SilverDreams – I remember reading a post you wrote on this topic, and I had the same feeling of eerie familiarity. And yes, I agree – perseverance! I can’t think of a downside to learning these skills, and there is so much to be gained from their acquisition.

    Hugs to you both!

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