Home > love, memories, reflection, travelog > Still here

Still here

(What a funny little phrase that is.  Still: meaning, a continuation of an action or state of being.  Also: calm, placid, quiet.  Also: unmoving.  Is it a continuation of being presently here?  Quietly here?  Unmoving here?  English is such a silly, profound language.)

But yes.  Linguistic digressions aside (blame my high school English teachers), I am still here.  Quiet, but here.  My five day trip to Seattle is over, and I finished writing about it in private just a few days prior – a monolithic undertaking given how much happened in such a short time span, and the intensity with which it all happened.

And as soon as I landed back in San Francisco, I had two jobs waiting for me, friends and acquaintances waiting with hugs and questions and stories of their own, and generally a life to catch up to.

So I have not been able to write here, though I have half-written drafts and millions of thoughts racing through my head all the time.  Predominantly, my head is filled with the recent memories of my stay in Seattle.

I am delighted by how smoothly I made the transition back to my place by Max’s feet.  Perhaps that is a sign that, despite our distance, I hadn’t left that place, that headspace, when I left Seattle after New Year’s.  The thought makes me smile, makes me giddy, and rings with truth.

At the same time, such a raw admission is truly frightening to me.  Each step I take deeper into this brings with it equal parts joy and fear: of losing myself inside his will, of giving up all of my control…

But I was reminded, just now, of what Max wrote months ago on this very blog:

I think being open enough to connect with people on a genuinely intimate level is the hardest, bravest and most rewarding thing we can do.

And I have, indeed, been richly rewarded.

Thank you, Sir.

Categories: love, memories, reflection, travelog
  1. Max
    March 15, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    You’re welcome, girl. It was a delight to have you here.

    I wish you well on your reentry. Those other things are important too.


    • March 19, 2010 at 12:30 am

      I know, Sir. Though I am really missing that headspace right now…

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