Another year gone…
Goodness. A good half-day of traveling by air later, I feel like I’ve never left home. I’m in my childhood bed and nothing’s changed.
Except, of course, that many things have changed, things less tangible than the layout of my bedroom. It would take far too long to reflect on everything that’s happened in the past year, and besides, I seem to do plenty of reflecting on a regular basis as it is. Suffice to say, the person I am becoming today is leaps and bounds beyond anything I could have ever expected as a college sophomore starting to make Internet queries for “submissive” and “bdsm” in the privacy of my dorm room.
It’s frustrating that I cannot find a way to describe the transition as anything other than “inexplicable.” It really is, pardoning the tautology. I can least of all explain the entrance of so many new men in my life. Given how quickly everything has happened, my inner dorky bookwormy self has barely had time to play catch-up.
I mean, I even got asked out to dinner!
Perhaps one has to have also been largely a loner and social outcast for the bulk of one’s life to see the magnitude of such an event. And, sure, I’ve been asked to play in dungeons and other kinky events, but I’ve always compartmentalized that in a separate category, always qualified the interaction as being different and unique. Which, you have to admit, is kind of true. Though my experience in dungeons and “in the scene” overall is still too limited for me to make any generalizations, and people may very well get asked out on something as socially normal as dinner or movie dates in such environments.
“Socially normal.” That is not a phrase I’ve ever associated with myself, but it doesn’t mean I’m not affected by social norms. I am still a product of my culture and upbringing, and there are definitive lines of what is considered socially acceptable and what is abnormal that run like an undercurrent in my subconscious. I’ve always had a (quiet) rebellious and stubborn streak, so I’ve never let it control my actions greatly, but there is nothing quite like coming home to give me a stark reminder of the indoctrination I never bought in to.
Things like the wrongness of homosexuality (never mind kink and polyamory!); the belief that marriage (to a man) and birthing children are a woman’s default fate in life; strictly defined and exclusive gender roles. I always, always loathed that last one the most.
So I regard this past year as a personal success in managing to travel so extensively, both physically and out of my comfort zone, to find an amazing community, network, and culture of people that I can relate to. I feel like things are clicking into place, as if a number of puzzle pieces have found their fit and eagerly snapped together in a satisfying move toward completion.
And you, fair reader, somehow are still here, reading my late-night ramblings, exploits, and misadventures. I am invariably curious at what it must look like for an outsider with this electronic peephole into my life to see how I’m bumbling along – is there progress? Evolution? I wonder what keeps people coming back to read what I write here.
This blog, too, has changed much, especially given its increasing transparency and overlap with my non-pseudonym self. What began as an escape from reality and a chance to explore my fantasies through words has become … well, what has it become? I certainly don’t write much fiction here anymore (funny enough, largely due to my being still too shy, and knowing now more and more friends and acquaintances might wander over here is a big deterrent). I’m starting to find that a lot of my written fantasies are beginning to come true, in one form or another, and that could be another factor as well: if my main impetus for writing fictional pieces was to vicariously experience what was written there, but I’m now getting to live out a lot of those scenes, there’s not as much motivation to continue delving into those fantasies.
It would seem, however, that I still need to write – copiously – if I can babble on this long when all I meant to do in starting this post was to wish everyone a happy holiday. But there it is: to all my incredible friends, my adopted kink and coffee families, and fellow readers and bloggers –
Happy holidays! See you in the New Year!