Home > hope, reflection > a few good men

a few good men

December 22, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now.  It’s been brewing in my head for over a month: this idea of extricating all the threads of contact and intimacy I have attached to the current men in my life and seeing what I can do to make some sense of them.  There seems to be a distinct lack of any one definitive term to encompass where I stand in each man’s life, or where they stand in mine.  Not to mention that the list of characters continues to grow as I meet and get to know more and more people.

Dov.  A chance meeting at a gay bar with Dov propelled me back into rope bondage, which has now become something of an obsession (is that an understatement?).  Between getting involved with the budding Boston rope scene and my first experience demo-bottoming in rope with Dov, I was quickly being plunged into the public kink community, something still quite strange and new and intimidating for me.  Along with many others who had been initiated into the public scene with the help of Dov, I came to see him as mentor and “scene uncle.”  We’ve played fairly intensely and intimately, and a lot of my own rope quirks and techniques are derived from what he’s taught me.

He is initiator, catalyst, friend, mentor, a sympathetic ear, confidant, and my first play partner.  We’ve had intimate conversations on sexuality and fears as well as geeky exchanges on website design and cameras.  However, now that I’m on the opposite coast, I’m not sure how things will progress.  Though we have dabbled in some power exchange play, I am hesitant to enter into anything like that over such a long distance.  I also still am uncertain about how I feel with polyamory as a personal lifestyle choice.  I’m not yet convinced that it’s for me.

Max.  What began as an electronic introduction via Dov to get me into a play party at the CSPC has evolved into something quite a bit more complex.  I suspect that will only continue, as I plan to stay with Max for the week of the New Year.  I imagine there will be a world of difference between this and Folsom week, which I spent under service to him.  This time around, I will be staying with him and interacting much more with his other partners.  He will be much more distracted, time will be more condensed and filled, and I will have more of an agenda of my own, in terms of visiting other friends while I’m there.

In reflecting upon how coincidental our crossed paths were, I am still bemused at how I ever became more than a friend of a friend who got tied up once by Max while on my summer roadtrip.  That is exactly where I thought it would end – at midnight when my friends came to pick me up from the play party and we went on our way to Olympic National Park.  Yet we somehow continued to keep in touch, and Max helped facilitate more introductions to kinksters down the Pacific Northwest coastline as well as kinky Burners to connect with during that excursion.

I was grateful for his support, yet still I would never have anticipated that it might lead to my agreeing to serve Max for a weekend – or that our original four-day plan would become eight days long.  I learned much about myself in those eight days.  Many aspects of submission and service were given more clarity once I was submerged in those roles – much more completely than anything else I’ve ever experienced.  At the same time, I have recognized similar issues as with Dov – uncertain that I can be fulfilled in this role over a long distance and with someone who is polyamorous.

T.  It’s still incredibly amusing and astonishing to me that I should be involved with people who’ve been friends of friends that I was put in contact with while on my roadtrip.  After my stay in Seattle, Max sent me T’s info as a point of contact for the kinky community in the South Bay.  I met up with T, he took me to a munch, and I stayed for a couple nights before heading down to L.A to drop my friend off at the airport.  Then, when I was ready to drive back up to San Francisco, I contacted T again to stay the night before going the rest of the way into the city.

And since then I’ve stayed with T numerous times, often attending an event at Edges and spending the night at his place.  And in the few months I’ve interacted with him, our play has grown exponentially more intense.  I thoroughly enjoy being pushed and challenged beyond my boundaries with him, and through that we seem to have built an unexpected level of intimacy together.  My scenes with him are the most frequent and the ones I am rather fond of reminiscing upon, given that every one challenges my perception of how much pain, or restraint, or humiliation, or service, I can submit to.

But again, the same issues apply.  T already has a long-term partner, and although he is in an open relationship, I feel like I need to hold back and not get too attached.

J.  Then there is J.  I don’t speak much of J, and we haven’t kept in touch as frequently lately, but he is an important force and influence on my life nonetheless.  Our relationship has been strictly electronic-based.  We have never met in person, though he has threatened to arrange our meeting several times, and each time seems increasingly more likely.  What started out as a friendship based around his interest in my bottoming for his partner has developed into an interesting something that’s more-than-friends, and we’ve exchanged secrets, stories, and as much of a power dynamic as is possible over e-mail and chat.

My first ex indirectly made our connection possible, and I am grateful and glad that we have stayed in touch beyond him.  J was my first confidant when I began doubting my ex’s honesty and integrity, and he kept me sane when those doubts proved far too true.  Throughout that period we grew closer, partly because I felt that no one else would understand the level of devastation I felt from my breakup given the D/s dynamic.  It seems silly now to think that, embedded as I now am in the kink community.

Of everyone I’ve listed so far, it is J who has seen me at my absolute most vulnerable.  He has witnessed those days where I felt drained beyond all capacity to get back up, where it took every ounce of available energy to maintain a facade of normalcy for family and friends while my insides slowly shredded away and I really felt like an empty shell.  Only in him have I confided how I truly felt.  Even now, I have not reached that level of trust with any other person.

All of these men fulfill a large segment of my needs that hadn’t been met before – newly explored and excavated needs that have awoken in me and that I have acknowledged are an important aspect of my life and the relationships I seek.  And yet I find other needs unable to be met – either physically, or emotionally, or availability-wise, or whatever else it is that isn’t satisfied at this level.

And it’s not about the sex, either.  Despite the heights that my libido will sometimes attain, that’s not what I mean when I say physical needs.  I’m looking for physical closeness, physical intimacy outside of intercourse, a warm body for times of comfort.

I’m not complaining, though.  Really.  In gaining more clarity in defining my needs, I’m also more willing to wait for the right combination of factors to fit into my life.  In the meantime, I try and remember that I am young, that there is a full lifetime of experiences still waiting for me to explore, and that I will continue to cultivate those experiences at my own pace, neither with an absurd level of caution nor the reckless abandon with which I first began.  I’m also enjoying dipping my toes into a potential new role as educator, as service or play top, and as a source of safe rope play for those new to bondage or bdsm.

And that is quite an exciting prospect for me.

Categories: hope, reflection
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