Home > emolicious > The word of the week is

The word of the week is

December 17, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

Tired.

A trip out to the East Bay to go shopping and hang out with a friend left me exhausted enough to crash on her couch for three hours afterwards.  And I still slept a full 9 hours that night.

And when I woke up the next morning?  Still tired.

When people ask how I am by way of greeting, my response?

Tired.

When I’ve worked a full café shift and closed up shop and driven home at midnight?

Really tired.

It’s not just the work.  In fact, I’ve been tired despite having fewer work shifts this week than usual.  Perhaps it’s the fact that I have a million different threads of thought zipping through my head at every waking hour, sapping away my energy.  Thoughts like, Shit, I have to buy my Secret Santa’s present!  Shit, I have to buy my brother’s Christmas present! Shit, I haven’t bought ANYONE gifts!

Or the fact that I have multiple deadlines for various commissions all converging on me like the lights from an oncoming eighteen wheeler.  And the hours I have to work on them are few and scrounged-for between work, play, and sleep (famous remembered words from my tour guide at MIT: “Here, you can do two of the following three: Work, Play, and Sleep.  Most people choose to forgo Sleep.” – That is not a concession I am willing to make, by the way…)

Or the fact that my body is preparing to unleash its monthly deluge of emotional, hormonal crap.

Or the fact that my mind has still not grasped how quickly the month has passed – and how the hell is it Christmas in a week and two days?  And holy fuck I am flying home in a week.

Or the fact that I am busily making mental notes and to-dos for the upcoming hours, days, weeks that leaves me with a heady sense of urgency, and not a little panic.  I’ve always been prone to thinking myself into a panic when delegated responsibilities and deadlines are involved.

Or the fact that I keep having disturbing nightmares, believe it or not, involving my car being towed or ticketed or stolen or otherwise vandalized.

Or the fact that I am simply, utterly, merely…

feeling miserable

at this moment.

But it’s okay.  I’m wearing an embroidered, lime-green sweater – a treasure pulled from said friend’s bags of Goodwill donations – and trying to calm my brain from its anxiety-riddled and -seeking frenzy.  And wearing this sweater reminds me of the inestimable kindness, support, and friendship I have found here, in my new home.  I feel as though I barely deserve any of it.  I barely understand how I have been so lucky, so fortunate.

So I am going to stop complaining and go to bed.

Because I’m tired.

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