Home > memories, reflection, submission > On service, ownership, and the weekend

On service, ownership, and the weekend

Since TESfest ended this past Monday, I’ve travelled to Chicago and am staying until tomorrow morning.  The stress of travel and planning and all the unknowns inherent to driving cross-country with two almost-strangers drove TESfest to the back of my mind, though it did simmer under the lid of my consciousness.  On the one hand, this helped delay and reduce the inevitable drop that is to come after a 4-day period of constant stimulus and endorphins.  I even had a minor drop halfway through, on Saturday night, probably a product of the endorphins, exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and overwhelmedness (is that a word?) I was feeling.

On the other hand, I have not had as much time to reflect on my experience and the consequences of that experience.  This is the first time we’re staying more than one night at a city, so I have a little more time to digest the weekend.

Since Monday morning when I left the hotel, the one strongest emotion that has stayed with me, and which continues to pull consistently at my ribcage (I refuse, absolutely refuse, to say heart) is a longing to be owned.  It was almost painful for me to see so many submissives confidently and proudly owned by someone, whether it be their Sir, Master, Daddy, Mommy, Mistress…or whatever title worked for their relationship.  It was a sharp reminder of the one relationship I have had where I belonged to another.  Slave was the word we used, but that isn’t really important.  I was owned, and I was whole.

Of course, since then I have wrestled with my former Master’s deceit and all of the self-doubts and issues that came with it.  I couldn’t even consider entering into a similar relationship again, and questioned its effects on my health and well-being.  But in all honesty, it could have been much, much worse.  Rather than let what happened close me up and become completely mistrustful, I have instead opened up much of my personal life to those close to me, and have found that to be a much more fulfilling existence.  I no longer feel it necessary to hide what has become an increasingly significant part of my life.

Hell, I co-taught a bondage workshop at my conservative-leaning alma mater three months ago!

So it is getting to the point, especially now having experienced TESfest, where I am developing an interest in power exchange and service-oriented relationships again.  And while I may still be hesitant to jump into one, the desire to open that possibility up is becoming more powerful.  I was able to experience a taste of both over the long weekend.  It can’t be helped: I love serving, and I love giving power over to another.  I need an outlet for both.

And then I find myself wondering if, after all, the word “Sir” will once again pass my lips.  The mere thought makes me weak, afraid, elated, nauseous, and hopeful.

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