The first time I was slapped in the face – a legitimate, hard snap of the hand across my cheek – I was immediately transformed.  Needle-sharp tingling heat bloomed outward from my cheek, my breath was suddenly caught in my throat, and sparks ignited behind my eyelids, under the latex binding them shut.  Then the slapping continued, back and forth from cheek to cheek, my head jerking from side to side with each hit.  The sensation was overwhelming; not exactly painful, but more a dizzying and building heat and the breathlessness that accompanied each forceful impact.  And with each slap, I could feel something regressing inside my head, frantically and mindlessly asking the question, “Why?”

“Why was I being punished? What did I do wrong?”

A couple times I could hear the Why? pressing up against my throat, but all that would come out were dry sobs.  The delirious combination of mental and physical assault of being face slapped was, in a word, intense.  The link between face slapping and punishment is strong for me.  Here I was, being slapped – not because I was being punished, but for the simple pleasure of the one doing the slapping.  That idea makes me shudder with lust and fear, but my mind is frazzled by the disconnect with punishment.  In my head, there has to be a reason.

After all, here I am, having sex with this man, hearing him whisper demeaning names and fantasies that clench down on my mind and my groin, enjoying the pain he delivers to my body even as I am begging him to stop, exulting in the giddiness and rush of endorphins.  Perhaps the slapping punishes me for all of this depravity.

But, no.  My head rang from each smack as he fucked me.  I was almost crying, and each dry sob that heaved from my lungs seemed to free me of some invisible weight.  Even the gibberish of my regressed mind was freeing – like some deep inhibition shaken loose of its tight hold on my ribcage.

That night, being slapped hard for the first time, I finally caught a glimpse of that opening, that transformative release that I have been seeking.  It is a perfect melding of the physical and psychological; at least for me.

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