Home > ethereal, memories > Fears


December 12, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

Drudged up an interesting memory driving home the other day.  I have always believed in my own ability to rationalize my own fears to death, if I think they don’t make sense.  And my innate fears fascinate me and make me want to push their limits.  Thus I rock climb even though I have a fear of heights and touch spiders even though I have a fear of arachnids.

But when I was little and hadn’t started overanalyzing everything yet(that would come with puberty), I remember I had this potent fear of my mom getting in a car accident whenever I wasn’t in the car with her.  If she was late coming home from work, my mind immediately panicked at the thought of her never making it back, rather than reasoning that she had to stay late at work, or that traffic was particularly bad, or that she had stopped to buy groceries on the way home.

I never told anyone what I was thinking, though perhaps my dad got an inkling of it by watching the way I would pace from the living room to the kitchen, looking out the windows at the street.  And it was always with an immense feeling of relief that I would see car headlights heading down our driveway and the familiar shape of my mom’s car pulling in.

My mom often worked late and went grocery shopping, and yet I could never shake that anxiety once 6pm had come and gone and she wasn’t home.  I’m not sure where this came from, or what made something like that develop.  Perhaps even then, at the age of 8 or 9, I was starting to show symptoms of an anxiety disorder.

Not sure why, but I really wanted to get this written down – this memory of fear and anxiety at the potential loss of my mother.

Categories: ethereal, memories
  1. December 12, 2008 at 11:47 am

    I climb too, we have fine taste in pursuits! 😛

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