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Smorgasbord life

November 7, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

Two nights ago, I left a crowd of crying, cheering, clapping, hugging young college students at a frat house to walk across campus, where my car was parked.  As I breathed in the frosty autumn air, chills ran down the back of my neck and down my spine, not because of the cold, but in response to the echoes of shrieks, shouts, car and air horns reverberating through the air.  War cries of victory swept down the roads, from common room to common room, and people hugged and danced in the streets.

Yes we canYes we did.  The chanting began, and soon thousands of students were marching through campus to the president’s house, demanding a speech.  The message was clear and loud: We Won.

And, scattered throughout dorms and houses, in smaller groups that remained quiet, other students cried different tears, turned their televisions off, and maybe downed a shot of whiskey.  The message was clear there, too: They Lost.

While I am thrilled that the candidate I voted for has been chosen to lead this country, I did not share in the revelry of so many others.  Instead, while walking the short distance to my car to go home that night, I wished that there wasn’t such a sharp contrast of Us versus Them in the political sphere.  I guess it is instinctual as the social animals we are to divide things into such two distinct parties: with or against.  It is survivalist, it is conservative, and it preserves our traditions.  Humans, in general, do not like, appreciate, or support change.  And we are, always, aware of the Other.  There always has to be an enemy, right?

I’ve realized this in terms of how I personally deal with breakups.  The guy has to be an asshole, and I mentally emphasize his assholish traits in order to sever my emotional attachment to him and to rationalize the breakup.  Not that the whole thought process is rational, but it makes sense, in a way.

But, as with the whole political atmosphere, I’m starting to realize how harmful and self-destructive that can be.  SR recently e-mailed me, after a month-long silence, asking after me and whether or not I was still planning the threesome.  I immediately went on the defensive (hackles raised and everything, because why would he ask me about sex except to get me riled up?) but it wasn’t until he contacted me again asking why I had blocked him on instant messenger that I unleashed a month’s worth of anger and stress upon him via e-mail (sprinkled liberally with sarcasm that was amplified by my being so sick these past few days that I can’t swallow without feeling like I just drank a rusty razor blade puree).

And again I feel the impasse building between us.  I wish he had just left well enough alone and never contacted me.  I wish I didn’t feel like I have to label him the Enemy.  How do I deal with this mess, when there are so many other things demanding my attention and energy?  I feel so very tired, and I just want to be able to swallow normally again.

In other news, I had a most titillating dream a few nights ago, in which a friend of mine sat crying, hair covered in sudzy shampoo, in my childhood bathtub.  I don’t remember why she was crying, but I remember reaching over and half-smoothing her hair back, half-washing the shampoo away.  We were both naked and alone in the bathroom.  And then she leaned in and bit/suckled on my nipple, and I gasped in pure pleasure and lust.

And there was a moment of pleasure before I awoke to razor blades in my throat.

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  1. Wilhelmina
    November 10, 2008 at 3:22 am

    Sighs.

    Well, breaking a silence just to ask about a threesome would bother anyone.

    But I think that making someone into an Enemy is almost a guarenteed way to perpetuate their presence in your thoughts.

  2. November 10, 2008 at 11:45 am

    Wilhelmina –

    I agree. It’s not getting me anywhere at all, and undoing a month’s worth of getting-over-him. But it’s like being told not to think about something, right? You can’t stop thinking about it after that.

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