Home > emolicious, life, reflection, the bi within > “There is nothing more depraved than a man on an ether binge”

“There is nothing more depraved than a man on an ether binge”

October 22, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

Initially right after breaking up with SR, I stopped thinking about threesomes completely, because it reminded me of my failed attempts to get him involved in one.  You’d think any man with balls would be pretty gung-ho and supportive of his girlfriend trying to get a threesome together.  But after hearing him laugh about it and mention how surprised he would be if it actually happened, my enthusiasm dried up, along with my libido.  I could tell it would be a one-person effort, and really, why bother trying with a guy who is so dismissive of the possibility?

And this is all, of course, besides the simple fact that the only reason he would ever visit me would be to have a threesome.  No thanks.  I’d rather go local if that’s truly the case.


(Who, bitter?  ME?  I don’t know what you’re talking about)

I guess I am not as over him as I had previously implied.  I still get the urge to kick any Audi I walk by in a parking lot.

In any case, threesomes are now back on my mind, and I can’t stop thinking about having one.  I certainly don’t want to do anything foolish or that I know I’ll regret, but on the other hand I think I need to do something completely sexual to fully transition out of my summer fling.

Does that make any sense at all?  I guess I am looking for a transition man (or couple) for mostly physical gratification, with a slight sprinkling of emotional comfort as well.  I wish sometimes that I had the ability of one of my closer friends to separate sex and emotion.  I recognize the physical desire, but cannot separate it from my emotional needs.  I have tried the hookup/one night stand thing, and the sex has never been satisfying*.  Perhaps it is just a case of not finding the right kind of man.  But I doubt I will be descending into the depravity that is college frat houses anytime soon to look for that satisfaction.  I am done with frat boys.

I suppose the one good thing that has come out of all this is that I am channeling a lot of this mental frustration into my artwork.  Not to say that I am making art related to my “internal conflicts”; more that I am converting all the drama, stress, and sometimes-depression into energy I can use more productively.  I guess the stereotype of the tormented artist does have a point to make.  Earlier this month, I attended a talk where a close friend revealed how sexual assault affected the art she made, even though she did not make that connection at the time when she was making her work.  It got me thinking about how my own artwork is affected by my personal life – something that I surprisingly have never considered before.  Is the fact that I am suddenly making wooden bird sculptures and woodcarvings a reaction to my summer in Boston and the messy aftermath?

Who knows…

*Oh, I did get close with one nameless blue-eyed Kiwi I met at a pool party in Taiwan.  He had the most alluring crystal eyes and tousled boyish hair.  The foreplay was amazing (he went down on me underwater!!!), actual penetration not as much.  He had great recovery time though.  After the first blowjob, we played around in the pool and got worked up enough to slip into the woods and fuck (condom-less and with his promise of pulling out.  Yes, I know, terribly irresponsible and dangerous, and I luckily came out of it clean and none the worse for the experience, except for a million fucking mosquito bites).  And after he came and we cleaned up and returned to the pool, he was completely hard again within 15 minutes.  After two complete orgasms.  But things turned sour quickly when we were caught mid-fuck on top of the waterslide, and I refused to finish him off while a lifeguard yelled at us from below.  He ignored me for the rest of the time I was at the party.  Figures.

  1. Lucky Seven
    October 22, 2008 at 7:55 am

    Nell, did you know that the domain name for the highly technical, serious, and geeky Argonne National Labs is anl.gov ?

    Somehow you seemed like the appropriate person to tell that to
    : )

  2. October 22, 2008 at 11:24 pm

    Heh. Thanks for the chuckle 🙂

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