Ok, I admit it. I fucking miss SR. I keep wondering if I didn’t royally fuck up a good thing. If I shouldn’t have just gone along with the whole “friends with benefits” shit and played along, pretend everything was okay. Who knows, maybe I really could have done it. Maybe I freaked out over nothing.
I can’t really stop thinking about him, and although my girlfriends assure me it is a necessary part of any breakup and will soon pass, it is still frustrating to go through. He is tall and cute, smart, has a good thing going for him career-wise, and is great in bed. So forgive me if I can’t help but wonder, “What the FUCK have I done?”
Granted, he has been travelling to and fro for his company lately, so it’s not like I can see him anyway. And given both of our insane work schedules, perhaps it was for the better to not make a serious commitment at this point. I probably could have broken up more smoothly, and in a fashion that didn’t have to include mentioning the suicidal depression that my first ex left me in, though.
Went on a little shopping therapy session with two friends yesterday, which helped somewhat. I am not a big shopper by any means (Salvation Army, baby), and after 3 hours of store-hopping, I was more than ready to head home for a hot shower. But I did find a very elegantly simple leather thong purse that is a little bigger than the one I currently have, perfect for storing a small sketchbook along with the keys and phone. I don’t carry that much else on me, so as far as purses go it is still pretty tiny. Also found a pair of small earmuffs to help prevent my ears from falling off when I bike in to work. Boy it’s been getting chilly in the mornings!
Not much else to say, I suppose. Not getting laid really is a drain on my other creative juices, heh.
I think the greatest thing I miss right now is the ability to fall in love with a body again. I have always regarded the human body as purely beautiful, and I love nothing more than the opportunity to run the pads of my fingertips lightly down the contours of a person’s back, up the hill of their torso and ass, and along the muscles of their legs and arms. I love tracing a finger along a jawline, down the arrogant curve of a nose, along the arch of pouty lips, across the gentle curve of an eyebrow…
I need to get outside of my own body and into another’s. It is where I excel, where I am the happiest. That desire explains why I enjoy giving massages so much, and why I fall so naturally into sexual submission. I thrive on physical contact. It grounds and focuses me, and everything else falls away, if only for a moment. I find exploring the body enthralling; all the senses are engaged in discovery. I want to smell and taste the unique musk and sweat of another; I want to feel rippling muscle and bone under skin; I want to admire the sight of another beautiful human body. I want to find tactile love.
I want, I want, I want.
I am babbling. I am horny. I am PMSing.
Things I miss now that I’m single:
- Anal sex
- The taste and smell of cock
- The taste and smell of cum
- That delicious post-coital soreness
Also, I have not yet experienced an orgasm from a guy going down on me, and I’d very much like to. Oh, but I’m getting ahead of myself. That goes in my to-find list. Along with a guy who will tie me up and spank me and then fuck me for 4 hours.
Last night over dinner with a girlfriend, we discussed the inanity of being a woman who over-analyzes and questions every action or inaction in a given relationship, and how it really just seems to be biologically ingrained in our particular gender. I likened it to having an appendix: that level of alertness and scrutiny was great for surviving way back when, but it has now lived waaay past its usefulness. And what does it accomplish? High blood pressure and the feeling that an artery in my brain is going to explode.
Yes, dear readers, I am once again single. Just in time for the new meat coming onto campus this fall. Muahaha.
Seriously, though. THIS IS WHY LONG DISTANCE “FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS” WILL ALWAYS BE A DUMBASS IDEA. So much for that attempt. I thought I’d be okay with doing the whole casual relationship thing, but not so much. I guess I am just way too messed up from past relationships for that to be possible. Bleh.
So, in break-up tradition, I have been reflecting on trends and patterns and differences with my past exes. Let’s review, shall we?
- Tim: total blue collar, high school graduate ten years my senior working on a bachelors in boats. Or something. Yes, I know, I was such a rebellious young girl. Wooed me with his dominant personality and no-bullshit attitude. Retired pothead. Big-ass cheater and emotional parasite. Sent me deep into the world of submission and sexual service. Responsible for my love of anal sex. The one guy I am genuinely terrified of. Led to temporary disownment by my mother. Long distance.
- M: Extreme geek. Taught himself to build a frickin’ 3D video game engine (HOT). Also incredibly passionate about linguistics, poker, investing, and ESL teaching. Guy I first tried pot with. Tried to get him interested in bondage and some domination, but did not get very far. No anal sex allowed. Trust issues from having been cheated on in the past. Installed a keylogger on my laptop in an effort to go through my e-mails. Led to financial cold shoulder from my mother. Long distance.
- SR: Closest to my own age; engineering/business major. Complete motorhead and gambler, not to mention a huge pothead. Very ambitious and forceful, though a bit undirected so far: currently works in a cubicle. Had lots of potential for kinky play and the closest to sexual compatibility I have found, but time was ultimately the issue. Same race, thus my mother started talking about how cute our babies would look. Comment almost made me stop dating him. Stopped dating him anyway. Emotionally unavailable.
Hmm, very interesting – especially the pothead trend. I have also noticed the active relationship period growing shorter with each guy: from a year or so long to two months. I have a tendency to relate more to the social misfits (Tim) and geeks (M) than to frat boys (SR), which may have an effect.
And I will do well to heed my girlfriend’s sage words: “Summer romances never last.”
Ah, all this talk of relationships makes me want to experience something simple and hot. Voila! Let’s all relax with a movie of hot power tool-wielding girls and their jiggly parts. The Benny Bagassi – Satisfaction Youtube video – now in HD:
(And apologies to anyone whose feed is being bombarded by the continuous edits on this post. I keep finding more little tidbits to add, and I never edit my posts anyway. This post will undergo sporadic updates until I either a) lose interest in analyzing my past relationships or b) find a new one and start writing about sex again, whichever comes first. Let’s all pray it’s (b)!)