Home > emolicious, hope, life, reflection, sex > just a little bit

just a little bit

…productive
Today SR and I went to a junkyard to find a new bumper for my car.  We managed to find another Saab the same model as mine, and went to work to take off the front bumper.  $35 for that, a new Saab decal to replace the one that fell off the back of my car, and some panels he needed for himself.  Absolutely amazing.  The only downside is that it’s not the color I want, so I have to sand it down and spraypaint it.  Also, after looking over my car, he said it will be hard to bend the brackets that hold the bumper back into their original shape.  We’ll see, I guess.  It was a lot of fun tinkering around in the junkyard, in any case.

…heartsore
On the road heading back home, I had my hand around his cock.  A dangerous position to be in.  And that was when I sprang The Talk.  He’s leaving on a business trip tomorrow for a week, and I am leaving a few days after he returns.  And I had to know where we stood.  And so I asked, as my hand stroked his cock through the layers of boxers and corduroy: “What’s going to happen once I move north to start my fall job?”

We’d both been putting off thinking about this, for the most part.  I probably thought more about it than he did, and that wasn’t much at all.  Even talking with my mom, I warded off her nudges and hints about the future, about commitment and a steady relationship, telling her I wasn’t sure what would happen, and that it just might not work out.

And so it might not.  He thought for a moment, then responded cheerfully, “I think we should stay friends…with benefits.”  Because honestly, he rationalized, the chances of him visiting me was unlikely.  And, I had to admit, the chances of me making the 2 hour drive down to see him weren’t too likely either.  And so I laughed, agreed, told him “I can live with that.”  And at the time I thought I was telling him the truth.

I think I’m wrong about being able to live with the FwB status.  And if I am honest with myself, the reason I am feeling so sick with myself is because he agreed with my own diagnosis of where we stood.  I had hoped he would disagree and convince me otherwise.

…self conscious
Should I have seen this coming sooner?  What are the signs that a relationship is more fuckbuddy than personal?  What did the flowers mean, then?  The nice dinner before he left for Beijing?  Helping me out with my car woes?  I suppose I should know, based on my personal experience, how much a guy is willing to do to get sex.  And even though I didn’t want to let one horrible experience color future relationships, it is hard to believe that a guy would be interested in me for any other reason than sex.

I feel like I’m making one contradictory statement after another.  I don’t believe a guy sees me as anything other than something to put his dick into, and yet I keep hoping that isn’t the case.  Yet I have equally used SR for sex, pulling him to me the moment he walks in the door, or rubbing against him discreetly in public to remind him of my plans later.

So I really shouldn’t be having such a hard time accepting my new label.  I shouldn’t have taken our time together as anything more than the sexfest it actually was.  I spent more time with him inside me than clothed, and that is not a complaint.

I guess a girl can’t always have it all.  Too bad SR’s really been the closest thing I’ve found to a fully compatible partner.  We share similar sex drives (though I’m pretty sure mine is higher), kinky preferences, nerd and inappropriate humor, and tastes in food, music, and movies.  I feel relaxed and fully able to be myself around him.

…hopeful
In any case, I may as well make the most of the little time I have left with him.  Most of it will be spent working on my bumper, but we’ll get a little romping time in as well.  And hopefully I will get to see him now and again throughout the year, and we’ll get to have some sexcapades then.  And of course, this leaves me free to pursue guys on campus, even though that thought isn’t as thrilling as perhaps it should be.

And who knows how things will turn out as the year goes on.  Perhaps he will have a change of heart when he realizes that I outperform any other girl he finds after me.  Maybe circumstances will change to allow things to progress beyond our fuckbuddy status.

As ever, I am hopeful.

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Categories: emolicious, hope, life, reflection, sex
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