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December 20, 2007 Leave a comment Go to comments

Hello out there! I just realized I haven’t checked in on this blog in a while, what with the life around me going by much more quickly than I am comfortable with. There is so much that I could write about, and so little I feel ready to share.

I have gone from the depths of depression and suicidal thoughts to the kind of high-above-the-cloud ecstasy that leaves me breathless and light-headed. At any point in the past week, I could have burst into both tears and laughter. And perhaps either outcome would feel the same. I am so utterly confused with myself right now. But I suppose that it is all right.

Right now, though, the only constant I have is a latent, persistent desire to seek out counseling that I have not previously felt. I’ve been considering it for awhile now, considering turning myself in to some psychologist and beginning the jagged path towards some kind of answer, or revelation. It is a frightening proposition to me, to reveal any of my dark corners to some stranger. As ever, I’m afraid of judgment and condemnation.

I imagine this meeting sometimes, seeing myself breaking down and confessing, unwinding the reel of my still-young life to this immaculate judge in white lab coat and wire-framed glasses. I can see her, crossed legs and black heels, clipboard in hand as she asks me to tell her everything that is wrong with me. I imagine her eyes flashing in disapproval as I narrate every wrong turn in my life. I dread having to explain my first disastrous relationship, dread her incomprehension that I would ever want to be a submissive, dread having to explain why it was so intense, so deep, so utterly bonding. And how that intensified the havoc in the aftermath of our breakup, of my breakup.

I know it is absurd, and I am certain that I need to do this. But I cannot help being afraid. I am not sure if I would be able to find a counselor who understands the submissive mindset. I believe the term is “kink-friendly” professional. And I don’t know if I can pay right now, to see someone regularly, outside my college campus. I will probably just have to go to a college counselor.

I am scared.

Categories: hope, life, sundry
  1. Anonymous
    December 21, 2007 at 4:32 am

    I’ve enjoyed reading your blog so much – your writing is so evocative – but I’ve wondered at how wounded you sound, sometimes. I’m glad for you that you’re thinking of counseling. I’m a counselor and can say there are plenty of us who are open-minded to submission and other ways of being sexual, and all of us are supposed to listen without judgment. It might take a few tries to find someone you feel comfortable with, but don’t give up! We are out there… Good luck!

  2. jayne
    December 21, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    It’s tough to open yourself up to someone. I have been thinking about it too. I can appreciate that a counsellor might help me sort out the maze i am in but i don’t really wish to reveal the horrors that lurk in my past.

    Good luck and best wishes for which ever path you follow.

  3. nell
    December 23, 2007 at 5:00 am

    anon-Thanks so much, those are very comforting words.jayne-Thank you! Good luck with your own decision.

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