Hello out there! I just realized I haven’t checked in on this blog in a while, what with the life around me going by much more quickly than I am comfortable with. There is so much that I could write about, and so little I feel ready to share.
I have gone from the depths of depression and suicidal thoughts to the kind of high-above-the-cloud ecstasy that leaves me breathless and light-headed. At any point in the past week, I could have burst into both tears and laughter. And perhaps either outcome would feel the same. I am so utterly confused with myself right now. But I suppose that it is all right.
Right now, though, the only constant I have is a latent, persistent desire to seek out counseling that I have not previously felt. I’ve been considering it for awhile now, considering turning myself in to some psychologist and beginning the jagged path towards some kind of answer, or revelation. It is a frightening proposition to me, to reveal any of my dark corners to some stranger. As ever, I’m afraid of judgment and condemnation.
I imagine this meeting sometimes, seeing myself breaking down and confessing, unwinding the reel of my still-young life to this immaculate judge in white lab coat and wire-framed glasses. I can see her, crossed legs and black heels, clipboard in hand as she asks me to tell her everything that is wrong with me. I imagine her eyes flashing in disapproval as I narrate every wrong turn in my life. I dread having to explain my first disastrous relationship, dread her incomprehension that I would ever want to be a submissive, dread having to explain why it was so intense, so deep, so utterly bonding. And how that intensified the havoc in the aftermath of our breakup, of my breakup.
I know it is absurd, and I am certain that I need to do this. But I cannot help being afraid. I am not sure if I would be able to find a counselor who understands the submissive mindset. I believe the term is “kink-friendly” professional. And I don’t know if I can pay right now, to see someone regularly, outside my college campus. I will probably just have to go to a college counselor.
I am scared.
There is so much going on in my life right now that I am beginning to question my sanity. Mere snippets of any one of the numerous dramas could take entire blog posts, and more. But, right now, in the midst of my fervid studying, I find that I am not thinking about any of that.
No. Instead, I find my mind drifting to her. This girl…my crush.
Yes. I have a girl-crush. And it is just that: a crush. No more. I realize that nothing will ever come of it, both because I am unattainable, and in all probability so is she.
But that does not stop me from desiring, and from fantasizing. It does not stop me from imagining pulling her softly but firmly by the shoulders, pulling her down with me onto white sheets and a downy mattress. I would caress her skin as I continued pulling-pulling the jeans from her body, the sweater, pulling her body closer to press against her heat.
She would shiver with my touch. I can see her eyes closing in embarrassment; her cheeks aflame; her hands uncertain, clutching herself. It would be okay. I would lean down, over her body, gently molding my lips to hers.
What I would do for a kiss.
I want our bodies to melt into each other: two soft and liquid forms embracing and moving together. I want to taste her skin. I want to reach into her soul, to take a piece of it when we finally part, that I may hoard and guard it jealously, that I may own that small fragment of our experience and claim it.
As if this blog wasn’t before…
But I thought it would only be fair of me to share a favorite video of mine. I discovered this a few weeks ago. And I still love it now after watching it several times. There really is nothing quite like the face of a woman completely enjoying her lover’s cock. Wouldn’t you say?
Even though the video doesn’t actually show that much, the woman’s facial expressions are just beautiful. I really love seeing that kind of bliss…it is hard to fake, and is so much more intimate than any porn star. She is real.
(And if she really was just faking it? She is one damn good actress, then!)
Also, as someone who appreciates eroticism with and of *all* the senses, I really enjoyed the audio in this one.
I guess the only thing that would have completed it is if he came inside her…because, dammit, it’s that time of month and it’s all I can think about!