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Disturbing dreams

November 13, 2007 Leave a comment Go to comments

I had a very unsettling dream yesterday night. I write this minutes after waking, hoping to catch the fast-dissipating images.

I am at my mother’s house. There is a whisper of a conversation over the phone. I am at one end, my best friend from home at the other. Things are said that, once I hang up, I realize sound like self-ultimatums; I tell her I can no longer take it-that I am through. I suddenly panic: what if she understands? What if she and her mother come to my house?

And as suddenly as the thought is realized, the scene snaps to my room. My bed is where it used to be when I was in kindergarten, everything placed to remind me of my childhood.

Except for the bottle of sleeping pills at the foot of the bed.

In my panic at being discovered still alive, I start swallowing fistfuls of pills. They are long, white, and chalky, so that they break in my mouth and I am chewing in the effort to make them go down more quickly.

Pills spill across the floor; but I’m climbing into bed, under the covers, more of the pills in my fist. I’m sobbing, imagining being found this way, a complete mess and choking down sleeping pills. Insane. But no sooner do those thoughts fade from my dream than I realize I do want to be found. That I am desperately in need of help, and that this is my only beacon with which to get it.

Somehow this thought calms me, so that I find my mouth suddenly clear of pills. I’ve swallowed them all, and am lying on my side, under the comforter. Just waiting, and drifting.

Then it suddenly dawns on me that my best friend could not possibly come; she’s hundreds of miles away at grad school.

I must be dreaming.

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