Home > emolicious, ethereal, reflection > compounded feelings

compounded feelings

October 21, 2007 Leave a comment Go to comments

It is Homecoming weekend here, and with my dorm situated as it is behind the endearingly termed frat row, I can clearly hear all of the sounds of dancing, music, and voices from my room. And, matched with the fact that my door is closed and that, until recently, I have been reading in bed, I am left feeling an uncomfortable sense of loneliness and unbelonging.

Which, really, is irrational and stupid, seeing as how I’ve never enjoyed myself at fraternity basements, nor would I have anyone to go with if I did. There is no reason for me to feel like I should be out in the pulsating crowd of drunk dancers, grooving to ABBA and Diana Ross, rather than tucked into my bed and reading an engrossing novel.

And yet, I do. There is still some vestigial social pressure that makes me wish I could be out there. Even with the knowledge that my residents are not all out partying and that most of my closest fellow seniors have grown out of the frat-hopping stage cannot stop this sense of isolation. It’s the same feeling I had living in my own apartment in Taipei – as freeing an experience as it was, being socially isolated came at a high emotional cost.

But I shouldn’t be feeling this way! Not back on the campus I love, back with my friends…right? And I have talked with plenty of people today. I wish I could figure out where this loneliness comes from, and why it makes me tremble.

Part of it comes from reading this novel that I was given as a gift. It had drawn me in deeply, filling my mind and imagination in ways a novel has not done in a long time. I was hooked. And as I neared the last quarter of the book, I could already feel the telltale sides of the upcoming withdrawal: this overwhelming sense of sadness that the book was almost done. It happens whenever I read a good book. And it never ceases to amaze me how much this kind of thing affects me so completely. Having read the last, ultimately unfulfilling page, I am left feeling…worn.

To make things worse, I took a way-too-long nap this afternoon that has left my body disoriented and dull-minded. I have only eaten one meal, have not changed out of my pajamas, never went running as I had intended, and am completely awake right now.

I suppose I should try to do something productive, but all I want to do is draw cartoon strips of cockroaches…

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