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pensive mental syndrome

I can tell my period’s coming. I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time thinking of my ex. It doesn’t help that I’m on an island surrounded by boats and water – a constant reminder of his workplace.

Well, so it goes. I won’t let it get to me. I have 3 days left on this hedonistic island, before returning to the cold, distant north. Might as well soak in as much sun and warmth as I can.

I was reading Steff’s post on trust, which got me thinking about my own perception of how much I trust. I’ve written multiple times that I consider myself very trusting, to the point of naivete. But when I read this:

Of COURSE there are times I don’t trust my friends and lovers. Often, it’s a result of baggage I’ve never unloaded from times long past. Hell, I’m just another stupid human. It’s what we do.

It’d be nice if we could get a big disconnect from our emotional receptors when it comes to tripping down memory lane, but that’s not going to happen without a lobotomy and a crack addiction, all right? So, we cope. We brush things off. We don’t allude to the story behind the story. We say “it’s nothing” and we move on.

Little shit like that’s what prevents trust from happening.

What causes it to reverse, though, is when you get into the story behind the story. Remember, then tell. Not only is it a catalyst for release, it’s a catalyst for relationship building, too.

I realized just how much that describes how I “deal” with emotional baggage. Brush it off, hide it deep inside, pretend it doesn’t affect me… And how much that prevents me from building trust with anyone. So, maybe I’ve been wrong all this time.

It’s a push and pull effect, I think. A part of me wants to be able to trust, while another remains skeptical, cynical…and afraid. I’m really afraid of judgment. It’s an admission long overdue, but there it is.

Luckily, I think the past few months have helped somewhat with that. I’ve gotten closer to more people…breaking down the barriers. I still feel insecure, afraid, unsure, angry…but it is slowly getting easier to cope.

And I’m sure a good chunk of that has to do with recognizing that my hormones are once again starting to take over.

Categories: life, reflection, travelog
  1. wordslut
    March 8, 2007 at 6:23 pm

    I like the phrase “pensive mental syndrome” very much.

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