It’s sun and water again. So much sun; so much water; so much wind. Where am I?
I feel sunswept. Bleached by heat and light, carved and smoothed by wind. All the basic elements of purity. Life seems too bright, the sand too white. I feel encouraged to be hedonistic, lazy, carefree. The classroom is a 2000 ft dizzying wall of coral, disappearing into hazy dark blue well before that depth. Lectures at night are attended with sand between my toes and salt in my hair. Where am I?
This is the Caribbean.
I am no closer to the answers I sought here; namely, is Biology something I should seriously consider pursuing? I find myself somehow removed from the others here; somehow Different. Yet…
I don’t know. It’s hard to think here, at least beyond the next meal, lecture, and kayak trip. I’m measuring time in events: a bonfire, a movie, a trip to the one town on this island in pursuit of drinks, music, entertainment.
And…somehow…I have also been able to explore further, deeper, into my submissiveness while here. Like a tentative light probing into a dark corridor. There are things there – thoughts, fantasies, desires – that I’ve kept chained inside. Will they come out? With the help of an external force, perhaps. Do I want them out? That I do not know. But they are there, nonetheless.
I have all the reason to be wary, in many dimensions. And yet…what drives me? Curiosity? Lust? Desperation? What will all of this lead to?