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seed

December 12, 2006 Leave a comment Go to comments

I’ve been trying. Fuck, but I’ve been trying so hard. I suppose I need to just let things run their course, and there’s nothing I can do to expedite it. Even the anger, once it dies down, leaves only a dull empty husk in its place. The anger that fueled and nourished me through the first stage…well, it betrays in its ability to heal…

Enjoying memories of the sex we had wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t associate sex so closely with emotion, or the ties I thought we had.

(He’s a fucking lying, cheating bastard, remember?)

I know, I know…

(Forget him. He’s less than worthless to you.)

I know…and yet…

…To remember him holding me, as we stood overlooking a waterfront…

…Him reaching for my hand while he drove, kissing the back of it…

…To realize how easily that deceptive 4-letter word slid off his tongue, only to dissipate in the air before me…

…To think that I revealed my deepest darkest secrets to him, who kept guarded his own, blacker secret.

…One who felt no remorse in blatantly lying to me…

A year of memories, and they are all covered now in sooty black ash. There is still so much I don’t understand.

It fucking hurts, and there’s nothing I can do. It hurts that I cannot let go of the devotion I felt, for one who has found me dispensable.

Perhaps I am a threat?

Or perhaps I was never worth enough to him to be one.

I’ve lost my anchor, and yet he continues to invade my privacy, my senses, my head. My heart still skips when I see a large dark truck drive by.

(I will always give you an out.)

Where? I can’t find it.

And these are the kinds of mindless, agonizing thoughts that makes me wonder if it is worth continuing to write here, if this is all I can write.

Misery loves company. And yet the more miserable I feel, the more I retreat into isolation, so I don’t drag anyone else down with me. No one deserves that.

My emotions continue this wild oscillation between extremes, and something’s going to give soon. I hope it is just a low point that will fade away soon, because I do not want these black thoughts. I thought I had gotten past that in high school.

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