Home > ethereal, links, sundry, writing > spilled marbles: a compilation

spilled marbles: a compilation

December 5, 2006 Leave a comment Go to comments

My mind is a whirlwind lately, and I feel entrenched by my thoughts. I’ve also had the urge, but not the time, to record them. Well, no time like the present. I hope that I can make some sense out of things by having these fleeting thoughts written down…

The breakdowns are fewer and farther between now. There are numerous factors, of course, the overwhelming one of which is that life is moving too fast for me to simply grind to a halt.

I was going to go into a reflection of crying, but I just read Englishman’s post on Tears, which about sums it up:

“If a woman is crying she wants to be held. That’s enough, usually.”

But of course, me being who I am, I hate letting others see me cry. Of all the significant episodes that I can remember, I have released my emotions privately.

There’s an aspect of fear in that, strangely enough. I’m afraid of appearing weak to others. There’s also an aspect of embarrassment, as with love, that I grew up with.

But more and more I feel those barriers breaking down. That admission alone makes me feel incredibly vulnerable…

So strange. Really, though, as much as I may believe I am just a fucked up, angst-ridden college student, I am quite within the normal bell curve of my peers. Perhaps I mean to say, just another fucked up, angst-ridden college student, then.

I have been sleeping less and less, and this post is proof of that. I started writing this at 4am. I always have trouble falling asleep unless I am dead exhausted anyway, and on average it takes me a half hour to finally drift off. But I now find my mind restlessly wandering for two hours or more, while I toss and turn and try to prevent myself from going down those dark paths I’ve already traversed.

Along with a seemingly endless libido and imagination, I’ve also been considering what it is I really need right now. And, in putting visuals to those needs, I’ve found myself imagining a large intransient presence, towering over me, emitting strength that enwraps and shelters me in like a safety blanket. Like arms, I can almost feel the strength wrapping over and around my shoulders from behind, tightening and pulsating.

And if I let myself take it further, the shroud begins to take shape into that of a man, strong and all-encompassing.

I have a painting critique in about an hour. Once it is over, I will be done with this term.

It hasn’t really sunk in yet; that I’m done…that I have completed this term successfully. And, much as I have been changed by (finally) leaving him, I feel another kind of change slowly settling over me now. It glows, this change, a wholly comfortable and encouraging kind that propels me forward and lifts me up.

College seems like a second gestation period for students. We live in a sheltered bubble, absorbing everything we can (or choose to), feeding off the campus’ resources while we are able, all the while seeing the inevitable ahead – the propulsion into the Real World, emerging (hopefully) as Adults.

And…what then?

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Categories: ethereal, links, sundry, writing
  1. wordslut
    December 5, 2006 at 8:43 pm

    I’ve found myself imagining a large intransient presence, towering over me, emitting strength that enwraps and shelters me in like a safety blanket. Like arms, I can almost feel the strength wrapping over and around my shoulders from behind, tightening and pulsating.

    And if I let myself take it further, the shroud begins to take shape into that of a man, strong and all-encompassing.

    I love this description. It reminds me of my dom, and I feel so lucky.

    I hope that having a break from school represents a transition for you to better things ahead!

  2. nell
    December 5, 2006 at 9:29 pm

    Thanks wordslut! I think it will, definitely. Not only a break from school, but a break from the country as well… I’ll be outside the U.S for upwards of 6 months!

  3. J
    December 7, 2006 at 1:26 am

    What then?Good question…more of the same, only different is the best answer. Hard times, good times, bland times.And, hopefully, expanding horizons. You sound very good today, nell.

  4. nell
    December 7, 2006 at 3:39 am

    I’m doing a lot better, thanks, j!

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