Home > reflection, submission > introspection, in two parts

introspection, in two parts

November 27, 2006 Leave a comment Go to comments

What hurts me the most, really, is knowing that I have been replaceable all along. That I may as well have been a number, a tick mark on a chart of victorious pursuits. That the trust, loyalty, and integrity I believed in, defended, and protected, was an illusion. That I see no sign of remorse or regret.

Because I regret, greatly, a certain loss. His loss, not mine. I regret this, because I have so much to give, so much willingness, so deep a devotion; because I am endlessly eager to give of myself to the ones I love. I want nothing more than to open completely, encompass another’s soul, treasure his existence, and be allowed to show affection I have never before felt able to.

I did not believe, before now, that “love” could be a word so easily abused, but that is because I grew up in a family that did not speak of it openly. There was affection, there was familial honor and devotion, and there was pride; but we did not kiss cheeks and exchange “I love you”s before bed, or end phone calls with it before hanging up, as many of my childhood friends did.

Of course we loved each other; it was just never mentioned openly. I think there is, at least in my family, if not many Asian families, an aversion to such mention of affection; a kind of embarrassment, or need to “keep face,” prevents it.

Which is why I say I felt prevented from showing affection myself. It seemed too private, too personal, and slightly embarrassing, to show overt emotions of any kind.

I can count on one hand the number of people who have seen me cry.

I have often wondered, but especially lately, if I am not mistaken in my pursuits. I have wondered if I am merely chasing a fantasy, trying to escape an inability to cope with reality by finding that Dominant who will Solve Everything. A panacea for my social awkwardness, for those little holes and niches that I do not fill adequately in the world. Someone who will lift me up because I cannot, myself.

Sometimes I wonder.

I think (because, as my friend adamantly said, we Think, not Feel) my own submission cannot be denied. It seems an intrinsic aspect of my personality, and to ignore it would be pretending to be what I’m not. I’ve read numerous times the defense of submissive natures, but I’ve seen as many times, if not more, how people mistake submissiveness for weakness and powerlessness.

I think my obsessiveness in other aspects of my life lends itself quite nicely to the release I feel in giving over control to the Other. I think that exchange makes me a more satisfied, complete person, and allows me to let go. I think, with the right person, in the right relationship, at the right time, it is completely healthy and betters me as a human being.

I think my submission is a beautiful thing, something I give completely, deeply, richly, from the soul, and that I have so much, so much to give.

But what do I know?

Categories: reflection, submission
  1. wordslut
    November 28, 2006 at 7:20 am

    Submission is a beautiful thing.

    I feel sorry that you have been hurt so much.

  2. nell
    November 30, 2006 at 2:26 am

    <3Thank you wordslut.

  3. His fucktoy
    December 1, 2006 at 12:48 am

    Blogger went down when i went to comment on this last night. Boy, was i pissed!

    Anyway, this is truly a beautiful portal into your strong and intelligent mind. Each word and honest inspection, so obvious at the amount of self-respect and self-observation you’ve done to manifest such a great post here, is a beautiful color on the tapestry. i commend you on knowing yourself, your worth, and your strength even during these trying time.

    i am lucky to be sharing your world and also feel poorly for the amount of emotional suffering that is accompanying the lust addiction. i have an open door policy behind gmail walls.

    And as WS says, submission is a beautiful thing and so is knowing everything that you just detailed about your place within the paradigm. A breath of fresh air we share. Thank you.

  4. nell
    December 1, 2006 at 4:09 am

    Toy – It is I who should feel lucky! I am awed and touched by your words. You are truly a treasure, and I admire your own beautiful submission.Thank you.

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