November 21, 2006 Leave a comment Go to comments

How appropriate, given recent events and findings, that I happen upon this chelseagirl post.

It is easy, as I’ve said before, to make a blanket statement from my experience of the past year; something cynical about online dating, perhaps.

But really, online dating just makes easier what is possible to do in reality, and both can cause pain. Neither being online, nor dating in social cliques, cushions anyone from the bad apples. Obviously, however, I cannot tell which ones are rotten until I’ve bitten deep to the core and been hooked.

I still have a sour taste in my mouth.

Although, somewhat surprisingly to me, my libido has not suffered at all. Like wordslut, I have been heartily celebrating Orgasm week.

I think I’ve averaged 5 or 6 the past couple of days. And with an almost full week of break ahead of me, I am looking forward to much celebration (oh, and Thanksgiving).

I can’t say the abyss has receded from my mind yet. The danger is still there. I feel like I’m holding back floodgates that, should I give in, even just a little, will overwhelm and overpower me. It is the kind of strain and tension that runs along the concrete walls of a dam.

There have been leaks, late at night when I am fully alone with my thoughts and memories. The betrayal I feel is devastating, although perhaps I am not allowed to say that. But at night, curled tight in a ball in bed, I feel the wall cracking. A little of the tension flows through, rushing through my brain, down my body, through my heart, limbs, stomach. And, for just an hour each night, I let it run its course.

I am…so tired. It is a deathlike feeling, settling heavily on my bones.

I’m so tired of this.

“…the disorder of guilt is not brought back to the order of justice, except by punishment: since it is just that he who has been too indulgent to his will, should suffer something against his will, for thus will equality be restored.” – Summa Theologica

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Categories: emolicious, links
  1. wordslut
    November 23, 2006 at 2:52 am

    Nell, sounds like you’ve been having a better Orgasm Week than I. I no sooner declared it such than I got sick. But things are looking up!Hang in there. I’d love to chat sometime about your online dating experiences.

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