Home > emolicious, life, links, reflection > an unassuming girl and her desperate plea for silence

an unassuming girl and her desperate plea for silence

November 17, 2006 Leave a comment Go to comments

It’s far too easy, after something like this happens, to cloud my mind with mistrust and cynical thoughts of others. It’s very tempting to create blanket statements that box people into neat little packages, to avoid the logic centers of my brain and veer straight for the emotions.

To begin to think, all Masters are X Y Z.

Or, worse, all men are X Y Z.

Where X, Y, and Z are lying, cheating, and bastards, respectively.

My shields are up. There is still the great possibility of falling hard, although I am fighting not to succumb to it.

The first couple nights, I stayed in my bed, laptop at hand, rereading all of our IM conversations. Wondering at my naivete. Wondering at the all-consuming capacity for deceit.

But I had to stop or risk tumbling headfirst into the kind of inky numbing half-life I felt back in July.

What a period of uncertainty. It feels at times as if I am teetering on the edge of an abyss. Other times my spirits seem impossibly high, elated by some unknown source.

I’ve had evil thoughts as well, of course. I think that is an allowed, maybe even expected response. But I told him I could not take justice into my own hands. I would not. Not even cutting the collar in half, as someone once suggested to me.

I now understand the great temptation that was the plotline for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Sometimes, although not often, I wish I could erase him from my mind. From my soul.

Categories: emolicious, life, links, reflection
  1. J
    November 20, 2006 at 1:48 am

    Wow. I guess I’ve been out of touch. I hope you are all right…

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