I’ve realized lately that I still fantasize about being forced into submission – having the choice taken away from me, and giving up responsibility of my actions. In essence, being absolved of wanting submission and letting the Other choose my fate.
I’m not sure about this seeming paradox that surrounds my idea of the D/s dynamic. After all, He wants to push me, to feed off the power of seeing His property’s dedication and efforts, as difficult as His demands may be. It confirms the power exchange, and reaffirms His dominance. And I, of course, want to meet and go beyond His expectations, give myself completely to His dominance.
But where does it become manipulation? Topping from the bottom? As part of the power exchange, I am ideally giving up total control, but I feel that that inhibits my ability to initiate as well.
That sounds so timid of me. Or perhaps I’m still too self-conscious. Too afraid of seeming too provocative, too forward, and too lustful.
He has helped improve my self-image immensely, for which I give Him full credit and gratitude. I came to Him, made myself completely vulnerable to Him…feeling inadequate before I had even opened my mouth.
And He rose me up. Helped me take pride in myself. Helped me open up, to be more honest to Him, and therefore to myself as well.
But, most importantly, He not only accepted these alternate desires I had been ashamed of for so long, locking them away as a Pandora’s box I felt too afraid to delve into – He felt I was beautiful and sexy because of it. Not freaky and twisted. Well, I may be that too, but not taken in a derogatory way.
I am halfway out of my shell. I feel the potential, and an immense burning desire, to shatter it completely and leap out, full force. To shake off my lingering hesitance and doubts…
But even in writing that, I start to feel apprehensive. I think that, for a majority of the time I have been learning about submission, fear has kept me at bay from fully jumping in. I am so afraid of losing myself.
I don’t even know what that means, nor do I really know how to explain that fear any better. The fear has overpowered my submission.
Our last weekend…Our last weekend, I was completely owned. He had my mind and soul wrapped tightly in His fist. Thinking of that weekend still makes my knees weak and my pussy clench. I felt it then. I felt ‘it,’ though I cannot explain ‘it.’
I feel like I’m running circles in my head. It’s time to turn in.