Home > reflection, submission > turning point?

turning point?

November 5, 2006 Leave a comment Go to comments

I’ve realized lately that I still fantasize about being forced into submission – having the choice taken away from me, and giving up responsibility of my actions. In essence, being absolved of wanting submission and letting the Other choose my fate.

I’m not sure about this seeming paradox that surrounds my idea of the D/s dynamic. After all, He wants to push me, to feed off the power of seeing His property’s dedication and efforts, as difficult as His demands may be. It confirms the power exchange, and reaffirms His dominance. And I, of course, want to meet and go beyond His expectations, give myself completely to His dominance.

But where does it become manipulation? Topping from the bottom? As part of the power exchange, I am ideally giving up total control, but I feel that that inhibits my ability to initiate as well.

That sounds so timid of me. Or perhaps I’m still too self-conscious. Too afraid of seeming too provocative, too forward, and too lustful.

He has helped improve my self-image immensely, for which I give Him full credit and gratitude. I came to Him, made myself completely vulnerable to Him…feeling inadequate before I had even opened my mouth.

And He rose me up. Helped me take pride in myself. Helped me open up, to be more honest to Him, and therefore to myself as well.

But, most importantly, He not only accepted these alternate desires I had been ashamed of for so long, locking them away as a Pandora’s box I felt too afraid to delve into – He felt I was beautiful and sexy because of it. Not freaky and twisted. Well, I may be that too, but not taken in a derogatory way.

I am halfway out of my shell. I feel the potential, and an immense burning desire, to shatter it completely and leap out, full force. To shake off my lingering hesitance and doubts…

But even in writing that, I start to feel apprehensive. I think that, for a majority of the time I have been learning about submission, fear has kept me at bay from fully jumping in. I am so afraid of losing myself.

I don’t even know what that means, nor do I really know how to explain that fear any better. The fear has overpowered my submission.


Our last weekend…Our last weekend, I was completely owned. He had my mind and soul wrapped tightly in His fist. Thinking of that weekend still makes my knees weak and my pussy clench. I felt it then. I felt ‘it,’ though I cannot explain ‘it.’

I feel like I’m running circles in my head. It’s time to turn in.

Categories: reflection, submission
  1. Anonymous
    November 8, 2006 at 5:36 am

    Topping from the bottom…what an interesting concept. Is there an inversion to that mindset? What would it be…bottoming from the top?No, dear nell. He may allow you to show him where you want him to take you, of course. I certainly would do so…at least, sometimes. Out of curiosity, because he does care, because he wants to truly own you, and nothing advances that faster or further than helping you submerge yourself in your own desires, with the proper direction, of course…allowing yourself to acknowledge that you want it to be forced, even against your will, that is a big step, and very revealing…as well as being extremely hot.Because, if it is not voluntary, how can you feel guilt? It’s like absolution…

  2. His fucktoy
    November 12, 2006 at 4:42 am

    This comment really resonantes with me. Truly.i’ve often been accused of “topping from the bottom” though, i don’t have the faintest idea how! Anyone knows that i am truly submissive and from most of your posts, i gather that about you, if even, you need to be pushed down harder, faster, deeper. But that’s just from my standpoint, where i am always low, and always the bottom.That’s how i’ve ben led therefore that’s how i am.Interesting. This is very interersting, both post and comment. It’s like this person is also speaking (lecturing me).Absolution.Did that strike a chord with you, nell?It did me.Sorry for going into my own little soliloquy but i couldn’t not respond.Being pushed against your will is a nice dream but in the end, you must feel safe and secure and have trust. i think, otherwise, you miss out on that very important connection- which is key to a BDSM D/s relationship. Just my opinion…

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