Home > reflection > too much of a good thing…

too much of a good thing…

To continue with the series on my self-analysis, I want to talk about mindfucks. I mean, I love them. If anything is going to arouse me, it’s someone with a way with words and the sadistic desire to create twisted scenes in my head, or to put me inside another mindset – the slut or whore mindset.

Which, by the bye, he’s quite good at. But maybe too good… I have often, and more so in recent weeks, found myself actually believing that those kinds of words – slut, whore – identify me, describe my being. I’ve questioned my morals, cast shadows of doubt over everything I’ve engaged in with him, or at his behest. Do these things not make me a slut? Do I not enjoy them, and doing them for him? Do I not enjoy all the perversions he has introduced me to, or that I have requested for exploration?

…And, a tiny voice in my head asks, very quietly: “Am I really just purely a slut? In the very worst, most degrading sense of the word?

It becomes too real for me, this term. It’s not a game anymore, and I question whether it ever was. If, after all, this is where he wants me to be. If this is the identity he is molding me into. If the answer is….yes….I am scared. Scared beyond belief. Scared that I will completely lose my sense of self.

Or would I be embracing who I really am?

Categories: reflection
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