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split

I overthink things all the time. I know it, especially when I’m doing it. I analyze, probe, question, compare, until everything is relative to everything else and the world operates solely in binary logic. I either lose faith in the world, or become completely satisfied with its workings, depending on my levels of nihilism and hedonism.

I hate overthinking, though, especially when it comes to trying to understand people and their motives. Sometimes, I feel like I understand a person’s reason for acting or believing a certain thing perfectly, because I put myself in their shoes. I am empathic (for better or for worse) – I am one of those people who alternately judge and cannot judge others because of it. I self-analyze (case in point) and find endless faults.

Perhaps, because of all this, I have such a faint sense of my own individuality. With a human population numbering in the billions, it is so easy to feel overwhelmingly insignificant. Well, what else is new?

There is so much I want to say, to express… to whom? Who is listening?

I need an ear. An ear and a heart.

I need to feel like I’m not a burden to be suffered. Or am I just burdening myself?

It has been three weeks, and still nothing is resolved. Between us, or in my conscience. Am I going to continue with the full knowledge of the potential truth? Continue knowing there are 2 possible realities, and not knowing which one I’m (willingly) following?

Or am I just overthinking things again?

It feels like the heavy tolling “We need to talk” is inevitable. Why didn’t we do it last week? What happened to my initiative?

Why is it so easy to laugh and “forget” to bring it up with him?

I still need answers.

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