Home > life > more awkward than puberty

more awkward than puberty

And the day ends with a blacklight dance party, food and drink supplied, by the house. I went, sans any white clothing, as the final preparations were completed. I went for the food, not having eaten anything of substance all day. I was wary, as any college event fare (pizza, soda, breadsticks) is bound to have severe effects on me, given my propensity to stomach problems and heartburn. Not to mention the bout of heartburn last night that ensured a fitful sleep with a clenched fist against my chest.

So I ate, rather than devoured, pizza and buffalo wings, and had soda sparingly. I gravitated towards the seats lined against the walls, as I always do at social events. I hoped not to have to talk or make eye contact while I ate, fully aware of my painful awkwardness. Although a part of me does, always, want to reach out, to pull all and any extrovertedness out of me and be more socially carefree – I always hold back.

And when one of the housemates took my hand to join in the dance, my now-full stomach inevitably flipped, and I groaned inwardly at having to showcase my awkwardness fully now. But I smiled, accepted, tried to match his steps and the rhythm of the throbbing club music that I had so little experience with.

I’m sure he realized my reluctant attempt at “dancing,” but he smiled and said something to me which I couldn’t hear, so I just smiled back and sat down. And promptly fled the scene to the safety of my room when his attention was turned elsewhere.

This kind of movement, this kind of environment, this kind of interaction – they all required an innate self-confidence, a surety of one’s body and image – that I have yet to attain fully. I can clearly visualize my body moving to those beats with all the confidence of a seasoned dancer. But my self-consciousness prevails. It really does sadden me, that I cannot get past that.

I am, however, flattered that I got any attention at all tonight, doubly that it was from someone who I genuinely like and respect, albeit from afar in my own shy corner.

I don’t remember where this came from, but it was probably one of the many teenage social analysis articles I read – as a teenager. I remember reading how shyness was cute until you hit puberty. A 17 year old hiding behind his mother’s dress does not have the same appeal, but instead elicits annoyance and impatience.

Well, dammit, I’m annoyed and impatient.

Categories: life
  1. No comments yet.
  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: