Home > reflection, sex > I wish I knew…

I wish I knew…

Sex seems, to me, to be one of those things society will never be completely comfortable with. The spectrum of sexual activity runs so broad and wide that there will always be at least one thing that at least one person disapproves of.

And here I am, having started off my sexual life immediately within the realm of perversions. It’s really hard to reconcile this about myself sometimes. I was a closet pervert, and came out to someone whom I knew would not only accept my desires, but make them realities, and carry me safely into and back out of them. Someone who would not judge the quality of my character for having these desires.

It was all I had hoped for, and more. But still, still that darkness remains: my wondering if I am a sick, twisted individual destined for therapy or asylum. Wondering if I am making wrong after morally wrong decisions. Wondering if I can survive being ostracized and rejected by everyone, were they to discover my closet desires.

It is a heavy weight to carry. And, to a certain extent, I realize that a lot of people deal with similar issues. From the guilt that comes with the desire to masturbate, to guilt at masturbating to a rape fantasy, to guilt at having even darker desires…to guilt at making those desires reality…

Can I accept who I am? What is acceptable? What is right or wrong in this kind of situation? I have done nothing that I’ve regretted doing. I have found freedom in being able to explore what before I could only experience vicariously through the internet.

Should I be afraid at my lack of regret? At my lust for that freedom?

I wish I knew…

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Categories: reflection, sex
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